You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
