Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
