He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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