I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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