Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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