I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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