mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
God, you're like boner-b-gone
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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