Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
the condom got lost in my hair
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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