You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
