I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
