I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
And then my night got REAL pukey
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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