i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
