I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
