My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
