I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
