Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
