Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
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I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
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My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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