if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
The ass gains better be worth it
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