I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.