My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
