You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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