ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Randomize
