in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
