idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
