so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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