i would punch a child for taco bell
please come you make the beer taste better
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
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