I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
