chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
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May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
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I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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