My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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