At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
