not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize