Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
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She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
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We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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