i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Girls should come with a carfax report
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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