he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
