I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She bit a glass in half.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
