i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
