the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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