So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
