No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
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I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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