Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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