so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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