The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My liver just had a heart attack.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
