The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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