hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
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