I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
