is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
