i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
vagina is talking i cant
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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