i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
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you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I can't put those talents on a resume
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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