just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
