Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
