remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
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i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
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Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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