rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
