Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize