Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
