my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
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The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
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What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell