I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
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