nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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