I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
come find me please
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.