Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
