You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
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I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
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I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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