You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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