If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
